Red Ocean

Hang On a minute - I've just got to get in character. Ahem. "The name's Hard. Jack Hard. I think I'm some sort of fisherman who's accidentally got caught up in a net of violence, but quite frankly it's hard to tell. The bad men all live in corridors: long corridors that lie deep beneath the sea. It's up to me to shoot them all. when they rush out of their bit of corridor and into mine. And I'll do it too - one bad man at a time."

Red Ocean is in many ways a terrible game. It's horribly broken in places and archaic in structure, but is just so low-brow and so resolutely stupid that it somehow breaks the barrier and becomes really quite charming. You get to love its repeated Al barks (one of which is, somewhat bizzarely, "Mummy!"), and even the gravity becomes simply hilarious.

When you shoot someone they skid along the floor for metres at a time and occasionally end up in insane positions - say with their heads endlessly bobbing up and down on their crotch, with a left leg cocked casually over their right shoulder (resembling a yogi attempting to fellate himself).

What lets you revel in the game's inadequacies rather than become intensely irritated are the guns - all of which are well-balanced and let you pull off satisfying headshots. It plays like the unwanted bastard child of Far Cry's interior sections, and not entirely in a bad way.

Still - I'd never actually recommend anyone to buy the damn thing. Think twice before hurling it back in the face of a loved one if you get given it though.